And Then I Thought I was a Fish

IDENTIFYING INFORMATION: Peter Hunt Welch is a 20-year-old single Caucasian male who was residing in Bar Harbor, Maine this summer. He is a University of Maine at Orono student with no prior psychiatric history, who was admitted to the Acadia Hospital on an involuntary basis due to an acute level of confusion and disorganization, both behaviorally and cognitively. He was evaluated at MDI and was transferred from that facility due to psychosis, impulse thoughts, delusions, and disorientation.

Click to see on Amazon

Observations of a Straight White Male with No Interesting Fetishes

Ever wondered how to justify your own righteousness even while you're constantly embarrassed by it? Or how to make a case for your own existence when you contribute nothing besides nominal labor to a faceless corporation that's probably exploiting children? Are you clinging desperately to an arbitrary social model imposed by your parents and childhood friends? Or screaming in terror, your mind unhinged at the prospect of an uncaring void racing to consume the very possibility of your life having meaning?

Click to see on Amazon


This is the story of a boy, a girl, a phone, a cat, the end of the universe, and the terrible power of ennui.

Click to see on Amazon
⬅ Books for monies

Hot or Not

Composed on the 3rd of September in the year 2005, at 11:14 PM. It was Saturday.

Hot or Not is the greatest website in the world. I could laugh all day browsing this thing. Check out a few of the winners on today’s White Folks on Parade:

hey i’m *Sarah* -19 n reppin’ Boston. i LUV music dancin’, clubbin’, partyin’, chillin’, shoppin’ n havin’ fun. i gotta mann…so it aint like that…but i like to meet new people. so if u like what u see, u know tha deal - holla atcha gurrl! :-)

I particularly like the “dancin’, clubbin’, partyin’” etc. Is it so hard to hit the goddamn “g” once in a while instead of the ” ’ “?

Hey, I’m Meaghan. I’m 19 and a freshman in college. I like to party n ppl say i have an “amazing personality”. Hmmm… hobbies…. rollarbladin, the beach, mostly meetin new ppl….I donno….if u click yes u’ll get a better idea lol

People say you have an amazing personality because they want you to drink the roofie coladas they’re handing you. You donno shit.

hey my name is amie im from the boston area i am 5”10 hazel eyes brwn hair blonde highlights and if u like wat u see then click yes……if u wanna kno more click ummm lets see now yes…lol

That last line is my favorite kind of humor. I don’t know if I should be emparassed or insulted. I love that this passes for witty sarcasm. No, really. I do. As much I enjoy the kind of spelling that actually makes it hard to read. Cechk tihs out. You olny need to hvae the frsit and lsat lteters of a wrod in the rghit palce to mkae a snetcene amlost isnatnlty raedbale. This girl can’t even get that far.

But let’s try the guys out.

I rock and roll all night every night, I enjoy art, movies, poetry, and rocking. I work at a video store. I also skateboard and go to college.

This sounds pretty standard. Kinda like a mad lib. I work [at video store]. I’m dynamic because I [skateboard and go to college]. I’m cool because I [rock and roll all night every night]. He might be interesting, but he just bored the hell out of me.

I’m Keith. I’m 20, 6’0”. I’m a student in Boston. My hair is bluish. I guess I’m low maitainance. Most girls aren’t into me because I’m kinda “femme”. Just click no… or yes. Whatever.

Poor bastard. Pretending not to care so women will love him. You poor meek angry boy. Give yourself a hug. Because your defense mechanism is keeping other people from hugging you.

only here because of a joke but i like Basketball,baseball,automobiles, lifting, movies, and rap music. in college, engl and mngt dbl major with a comp sci minor. id say im a nice guy, and pretty charming. 6’2 with eyes the color of ice.

This guy was harder to find than I thought. Most of the guys so far are going for the sweet 13-year-old girl fantasy. This guy is straight up I’m the bomb, and though I give him props for just coming out with it, the color of ice thing is a) not true, and b) MAKES YOU A TOOL. I want to beat him up soon. Maybe I’ll click yes.

I’m 20, I have 13 tattoos and 9 piercings, I play bass in a band called Thousands Shall Fall. I’m into extreme metal, webdesign, photography, music, tattos, piercings, drinking and having a good time.

I’m sorry, was that your band name? It seems to have fallen out of a really dumb person’s mouth and been attached to your ego. Nothing that cirrosis of the liver won’t cure. For future reference, “extreme” metal usually means you stop tuning your guitars and just sort of let the strings hang over the pickups and hit them with blood covered picks.

just felt like tryin this out drop me a line if u like what u see. my interests are girl bball and football im lookin to go to school for one of those. i hope to make it big time in one.

Okay. Girl bball and football. Is it girls basketball or girl AND basketball? And does he want to go to school for girl, basketball, or girls basketball? (I won’t say girls basketball isn’t a good reason to go to school. I prefer watching the track team, but each to his own.)

So there is where boredoom leads huh? Well, I am fun guy who work in the pharmacuetical industry. I have to be pretty straight laced at work, so I am looking to add some fun in my life. Find out more by clicking yes.

No. YOU are where boredom leads.

Well what can i say about my self hmmm. Im a Hot guy j/k no seriously im outgoing when im in the mood if ya dont know me im probably shy to you.Any ways if ya wanna meet up hit me

See, don’t admit these things. What ever happened to coy? Why can’t people learn coy? Or enigmatic? What’s this so-cute-I-make-you-vomit thing coming from?

Hey what’s going on? I am Enlisted in the Marine Corps. I am 18 living in MA I used to play hockey and lacrosse. I am easy going and like to make people laugh. I drive a red jeep cherokee sport 5 spd. I am shipping at the end of July.

“Hi. My country is sending me to die. Please have sex with me.” That’s what I would have written.

hey, i can run really fast. i’m the fastest runner in my hometown. Yeah? No. i really dig stuff. once i read a totally cool book it was about otters. i am so homely and desperate.

If it’s a joke, it’s funny. If it’s not, it’s sad. Not being able to tell is also a little sad.

Now, for no good reason, let’s take a look at the women of mississippi.

Hey, My Name is Shar. A friend of mine told me to do it so I said why not. Not looking for a “boyfriend”, Because I have the best guy ever. Just Some new interesting people to talk to. Let me know if you wanna talk.

I wish people would replace “I have the best uber-fucking-lover-of-all-time so not looking” lines with “I’m already getting mine, I just want other people to tell me I’m hot more often.” The world would be a better place.

I am Emily!I like to have a good time and laugh!! I own a black Lab!I go to school and work two jobs!

Hurrah! Every part of your life is exciting! Use exclamation marks! They’re fun! And easy! And make you seem excited! About stuff! Yay! What a twit!

My name is Hannah and I’m from Northeast MS. I’m 20 years old and I like meeting new people. I like anything fun and I’m up for trying anything at least once.(EXCEPT ANYTHING LESBIAN).

Damn lesbians.

my name is lisa. i enjoy my life. if you choose to grace my world with your presence, make it a pleasant trip. theres no reason for anything else. just enjoy my company. sit back and relax. we will have a good time

There’s something sort of cult-like about this line. “You will have no fear. You will feel no pain. Just be. Here. Now. Noooooooowwwwwwwmmmmmmmm.”

hey! I just saw your picture and thought you were really cute so I wanted to send ya a note saying hey! email me if you wanna talk sometime!

I’m wondering what the hell this is. At first I thought these intros were really porn-like pick up lines, but I think they come from people who go around rating, then find someone and think, oo, want me some a’that, and make this so they can do the hey what’s up thing.

Back to the men:

(There used to be a link here, but after 15 years, it stopped working.)

This one also has to be seen to be believed. He probably thought the red eye added that extra touch he’d been missing all his life. This guy will probably spend his whole life getting constantly laid by girls who look exactly like him.


See, this sounds a little like a kid crying on the playground yelling this little speech his mother taught him about self-esteem. And if it doesn’t matter to him, why did this site give him such a hard on? Best of all, he blows it with the little lower case footnote about how romantic he is. You just want to give him a cookie and tell him it’ll be okay.

I am beginning to wonder if there are any women left in the world who are honest, intelligent and sexy. Live in London; big film fan…and a lot more besides. Hope to hear from you soon.

Ahh the English. It’s refreshing to find out that despite their superior grammar skills, they have just as little to say as we the Americans.

And now, for the big finale, the men of New Jersey.

hey this is bobby 22/m/NNJ, lookig 4 girl 4 friendship or more it depends, life is too short for enjoy life is like icecream enjoy it before mault

It speaks for itself, doesn’t it? My favorite bits are “life is too short for…(what?)” and “mault.”

recovering from an accident, just a christian lookin 4 a christian email buddy from a different point of view????? click if u wanna talk….if not, ok, god bless u, also, lookin 4 a nurse to ask some questions

I would want to email him and pretend to be a nurse. I really want to know what his questions are. I know you do too. Anyone who has five question marks at the end of a statement must have at least eight or nine at the end of his questions, so he must really need some answers.

And finally, some words to live by from some chick in Illinois

Hi, I’m me… I like stuff and ummm things are cool too, sometimes. Once and awhile things suck but stuff is always good.

Beware of Zeus.

Hi there! You should totally go buy my book for the low low price of 6.73! It's like buying me a beer at an out-of-the-way dive bar in Brooklyn! Not in Manhattan. Manhattan prices are ridiculous, though there are a couple of decent Irish dives where you can snag a drink for five bucks. Otherwise, you're looking at a two or three book beer.