And Then I Thought I was a Fish

IDENTIFYING INFORMATION: Peter Hunt Welch is a 20-year-old single Caucasian male who was residing in Bar Harbor, Maine this summer. He is a University of Maine at Orono student with no prior psychiatric history, who was admitted to the Acadia Hospital on an involuntary basis due to an acute level of confusion and disorganization, both behaviorally and cognitively. He was evaluated at MDI and was transferred from that facility due to psychosis, impulse thoughts, delusions, and disorientation.

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Observations of a Straight White Male with No Interesting Fetishes

Ever wondered how to justify your own righteousness even while you're constantly embarrassed by it? Or how to make a case for your own existence when you contribute nothing besides nominal labor to a faceless corporation that's probably exploiting children? Are you clinging desperately to an arbitrary social model imposed by your parents and childhood friends? Or screaming in terror, your mind unhinged at the prospect of an uncaring void racing to consume the very possibility of your life having meaning?

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This is the story of a boy, a girl, a phone, a cat, the end of the universe, and the terrible power of ennui.

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How You Got Here

Composed on the 24th of January in the year 2013, at 10:07 AM. It was Thursday.

While reviewing my reddit referrals in Google Analytics, I accidentally clicked on the search traffic reports, which show me what people searched for in google that brought them here. I normally never check this, because I don’t think this is a huge source of traffic for me, and it would probably just be a bunch of my friends searching “still drinking” so it wouldn’t be very interesting.

I was right about the first part. Here are some of the things you searched for, followed by what you got, and some reflection on what we both did wrong.

umass girls getting fucked

This search is at the top of the list. Seriously. I get more traffic from this search than any other set of keywords. This makes a certain amount of sense, since I assume around 30% of all internet searches are for porn, but I would also assume those searches are met with the 30% of the internet that actually is porn, burying my website in the nether-pages of any result set, right?

Nope. I’m the number one hit. Try it yourself.

It leads to this essay, which, in one of those cutting ironies that makes one wonder if there’s a god after all, is entirely about a UMass girl not getting fucked by me. In fact, it’s about no UMass girls at all getting fucked by me. The highlighted words in the content excerpt actually string together to say “get fucking girls,” the very thing I could not do.

So forty people a month looking for college porn accidentally click through to my site. Most of them leave immediately, but apparently, two or three of them stop masturbating for an average of four minutes to read about my personal blueballing. I wonder if I should advertise that: “, better than jerking off!”1[1]

are teenagers stupid

This search is probably made by teenagers in a moment of angst, or people approaching their teens looking for ammunition against their older siblings. Whoever searched it, they were dedicated to the research, because you don’t get to this until the third page. Seriously, who goes to the third page unless they’re googling themselves?2[2]

But they got there, read another essay about my sex life, and had their question answered with a resounding—and I believe definitive—yes. So the first class of searchers will leave a little bit angstier, while the second group is too young to be reading this. You know who you are. Go away.

asian porn repa crucific

I don’t know what this guy was looking for, I kind of hope he didn’t find it, and I don’t know how he got from there to here. Personally, it’s just annoying, since it grants some credibility to all the people who accuse me of having an Asian fetish. For the last time, dating three Asian women does not constitute a fetish. You would hit more Asian women throwing ten darts at a map of Manhattan.

mensa sck, are mensa people condescending, mensa hatred, mensa members are assholes

These, or course, lead to this, and I’m proud of it. I hope these people got exactly what they came for. The “mensa sck” search is not a typo, and there are more misspelled negative adjectives in the Mensa hate interwebby traffic, which I’m sure Mensa members chuckle about, because they’re condescending assholes. I received an email about that essay from what I assume was a Mensa drone, that just said, “Your envy is palpable.” I sort of stared at the email in disbelief for a few minutes, wondering how long someone’s neck would have to be to have gotten their head far enough up their ass to interpret my words as envy. Eventually, I determined the only appropriate response was the following:


coca cola 5 sends mirror

The intent of this search is baffling, but result number three makes perfect sense, landing on episode 5 of my little escapade.

justin bieber pez dispenser

This brings up a very old slam poem I wrote and have yet to perform, because I prefer to lie around my apartment, not have to memorize things, and write in a blog with no comment section or contact form. Note there’s no mention of Justin Bieber in that poem, and searching “pez dispenser” doesn’t put my blog remotely near the radar.

“justin bieber pez dispenser” only finds me because of this brief campaign to own the search “justin bieber relationship advice,” and I owned it like a goddamn pimp for about a month, despite all other articles and blogs about his interview. I’m still the third result, I think. “Justin Bieber” alone obviously won’t get you anywhere near me, but will shove me way up in the pez dispenser world. The question is, did google do its job here, or is my random assortment of content breaking it?

humanity would rather burn, i would rather burn in hell than

These predictably lead to this, but the searchers are a curious breed. I assume the second one is looking for google’s autofill suggestions, akin to typing in “why are (americans, french people, vegans, people who write about their own navels for ten years) so” and reap the thirty seconds of bar hilarity before resuming their lonely decent into alcoholism. “humanity would rather burn” person is a bit scarier, and I just want to say he or she isn’t speaking for me.

too young porn

I HAVE NO IDEA how this led to me, but you are a fucking pervert and I logged your IP address.

1 Though you could argue there’s not much difference.

2 Personal record: fourteenth page.

Cue nostalgia.

Hi there! You should totally go buy my book for the low low price of 6.73! It's like buying me a beer at an out-of-the-way dive bar in Brooklyn! Not in Manhattan. Manhattan prices are ridiculous, though there are a couple of decent Irish dives where you can snag a drink for five bucks. Otherwise, you're looking at a two or three book beer.